Friday, January 1, 2010

Welcome, 2010!

Argh … it has begun: day 1 of The Diet.

The 2010 Diet.

The Diet to End All Diets.

I got things started with a Storck’s Riesen chocolate breakfast and a nacho Doritos with Dr. Pepper lunch. Hey, if you’re going to win, win big.

I mean, seriously … why not just build dieting up right at the start as something so utterly important and vital to my survival that I can’t possibly hope to get it right? How lame. And yet, that’s pretty much how I’ve started every diet I’ve ever been on, period.

But then again, can I really claim to have been ‘on’ all that many diets when I tend to quit the very first day? My Diet Failure Plan of Action is irrefutable and has yet to be bested: 1) diets must begin on a Monday; 2) diets must reset upon any deviation; 3) deviate! deviate! deviate!; 4) lose faith in diet; and 5) completely lose interest in diet altogether.

Unofficial … well, actually official, seeing as it always occurs … step 6) HOT FUDGE SUNDAE!!!!

So I can honestly say mine is not a case of diets not working for me, seeing as I’ve only once actually stuck to one … and that one did work for me. It was just too strict and I completely lost interest in it when I overdosed on !!!SUGAR!!! one weekend and never looked back. Sugar, people!

I had written down everything I ate, and only allowed myself a banana / blueberry / yogurt /orange juice fruit smoothie breakfast, an EAS AdvantEdge carb control nutrition bar lunch, an apple snack, and a sandwich supper … for weeks, people, WEEKS!!! Oh, yeah … it worked, but it’s no wonder I fell off that diet wagon with my very first visit to the Outback Steakhouse: mmm … Blomin’ Onion appetizer followed by a bacon cheeseburger with garlic mashed potatoes and a Chocolate Thunder from Down Under dessert. I can still feel my taste buds screaming, and they weren't screaming in agony, people, oh no! They were screaming with glee.

But seriously - it’s time to do something. I’m getting older, and my seemingly foolproof plan to eat my way through the Earth’s crust to its chewy roman nougat center seems to have backfired badly. On my ass, hips, stomach, and thighs. I do believe I may even be forming cankles.

And it’s not as if this isn’t a terrific time to get into shape: there’s the Biggest Loser, with it’s ridiculous world-wide-web support system; the intense public/national focus on the overweightedness of Americans (apparently we’re fatter than everyone else on Earth … so naner, naner, naner, joke’s on you starving masses of humanity); countless weight loss and fitness websites; dozens of weight loss frozen foods for ease-of-preparation and consumption; full disclosure of ingredients on junk foods; and just plain common sense.

Plus, let’s be real, there’s the way we fat are viewed by you not-fat. You complete asshats who think you’re better than we are because you look better. Oh, you … you piss me off, you do. You really, really do. Because I let you get to me!

I’d like to slap 50 lbs of unattractive self-consciousness on your shoulders and set you lose in the workplace of today, where the speedy turnover of management simply means we the overweight have to repeatedly prove our worth and effectiveness to a whole new slew of got-my-career-in-his/her-completely-prejudiced-hands people.

Sound bitter? Well, it should. Because I am. It’s been a very rude awakening, realizing the world isn’t fair, and it’s taken me a very long time to come to accept that truth. You’d think I’d have become immune to it, but no. Instead I’ve just let it get to me, and drowned my sorrows, fears, loneliness, and inhibitions in food and drink.

But it’s 2010, and I’m an adult, damnit … so when an old high schoolmate started a diet group on facebook, I watched from the outside, to see if anyone would be interested. And people I never expected signed up. People I thought, was convinced, have had the world by the tail since we were kids. Apparently not; apparently quite a few of us have feelings of self-doubt on occasion. So I squinched my eyes shut tight and jumped into the deep end. This time I’m going on a diet, and I’m not going to quit the first time I screw up (holla!), because I’m not looking at it ‘that’ way.

I’m doing this for me, because I’ve never really tried before … and guess what? When I do try? Well, I tend to get results.

So wish me luck, you just may need it once I’m fit enough to kick some ass.

Oh, and since a Goal is a Good Thing, my goal is 50. I will keep you posted as to my successes.

1 comment:

The Common Man said...


you can do it. Pick a healthy diet. None of this starve your self until you quit. Look at is as not a diet, but a change in your diet. What you eat. One pound of fruit does not equal one pound of fudge. We will do it together. Set up some thing on your blog and I will email you my gross tonnage.

Lots of love.

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