Dimitri Martin Makes Me Laugh

Raising your voice; the next best thing to being right.

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

P / M + F = S - 1 = BS (Pizza divided by Me and my Friends equals one Slice less than I want, which is BullShit!)

I want to buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

Saying "I apologize" is the same as saying "I'm sorry". Except at a funeral.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "Go outside!"

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

I used to play sports.
Then I realized you can buy trophies.
Now I’m good at everything.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen.
And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter.
And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry.
And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color … person?"

What do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat.

"Hot Potato" would be a much more different game if the people playing it were starving. Then it could be called "My Potato".

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
"What are these?"
"Those are oranges."
"Then what are these?"
"Oh, shit. Long pointies?"

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, prepare to have it on you forever because glitter doesn’t go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It’s like, oh great here comes the sun; flare up!

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward, at regular speed.

I like the game rock paper scissors, but two-thirds.
Like Rock beats Scissors. "Oh man, these scissors are all bent, I can't cut with them, you win."
Or Scissors beats Paper. "This paper is cut into strips, it’s useless, I can't write on it, you win."
Then, Paper beats Rock ... Rock is fine! There is no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper whenever it wants. Paper sucks.
It should be Rock, Explosives with a Cuttable Wick, Scissors.

I saw a transvestite wearing a shirt that said "Guess".

If you want to make your own mythical creature all you have to do is add wings. A horse becomes a Pegasis. A lion becomes a griffin. And a hawk becomes ... a double hawk, "I’m awkward".

Cottonwool balls is an example of something I would buy, but not like to have as a nickname.
Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and like to have as a nickname.
People would be like, "Are you Cinnamon Buns?", and I would be like, "You bet your sweet ass!"

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I like to use "I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter" on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. "How was breakfast?" "Unbelievable."

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says "Hey, let’s never hang out."

game set match = tennis
set match run = arson

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

I’m in a weird situation because I like rainbows ... but I’m not gay. So, I wear a rainbow on my shirt - but then under it, it says “not gay”. But I’m not against gay people, so under that I have to put “but supportive”. I just think its weird that one group took refracted light. That’s preeetty greedy, gays.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, that sounds like a fair trade, especially if they’re crappy kids.

If i ever have to go up in a building I choose the elevator over the escalator, because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs ... for an hour and a half.

I think they should put pies on the front of trains, because then if it hits someone it’s at least a little bit funny.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like "Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn."

I saw a door onetime that said "Exit Only". So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, "I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man."